Don’t mess up receiving feedback – how to take it with grace

Even if it’s positive, receiving feedback well can be a challenge – here’s my tips on how not to mess up receiving it.  

Most genuine feedback is great information that can help us improve. So being able to receive it, reflect on it and adjust where we need to can help us make huge personal progress.  

The clue with feedback is in the name – any kind of feedback conversation should be two-way (‘feed’ and ‘back’). But, even if you’re prepared for it, hearing feedback about yourself can trigger an emotional response. Understanding and being able to manage this is critical. 

Why receiving positive feedback can also feel awkward 

You might assume that positive feedback or praise would be easy to accept. For some people it is and they thrive from it, it motivates and inspires them to do their best. For others it’s critical for boosting confidence in themselves. But for some people it can feel awkward, uncomfortable, even embarrassing. How people feel about it might be linked to their personality preferences or previous experiences of feedback. Do you recognise yourself?  

What did you say the last time someone complimented you on your clothing or hair? Did you say thank you and embrace it, using it to build your self-esteem, or did you play it down?  

People don’t always give praise well. It can be common for managers, for example, to give vague ‘well dones’ and empty ‘thank yous’ without the detail that makes it meaningful. To help make recognition and gratitude more impactful for you, take a moment to explore what you’re being told by asking questions like: 

• What specifically was it that I did brilliantly? 

• What was the positive impact of what I did? How did it help? 

• How did what I did make people (customers, patients, stakeholders) feel/react? 

• How can I continue to do more of this? How can I build on this success? 

Once you have a good understanding of what you’re being praised for, you can reflect on how you can replicate and/or build on it in future.  

Perhaps the feedback uncovered something that could influence or impact on your career. I only pivoted to work in learning and development because a former manager of mine spotted some unrealised strengths and encouraged me to move from a role in IT to a new one in HR. And 25 years on, I’ve never looked back. (Thanks Sally!) 

You can also use positive feedback in your development plan, highlighting to your manager where you’ve had praise and using it to build a picture of your achievements, define and develop your personal brand as well as to consider your next job move that aligns with your areas of strength.      

Handling constructive feedback without messing up 

It’s always hard to hear that you haven’t done something as well as you could. And it’s easy to disregard negative or even constructive feedback, focusing on what feels like criticism instead of on the intention behind the feedback.  

But the vast majority of people will be giving you feedback because they want to help you to improve. So information about what you didn’t do so well is still super-helpful and deserves the same curiosity as praise.  

Because most people don’t practice giving feedback, or may be unaware of how to deliver it well, it can come across clumsily. The onus is on you to explore the information. You can use models for giving feedback, like this one, in reverse to get the insight you need to make the feedback helpful.  

First, listen. And I mean, really listen – not to respond and come back on what’s being said, but to understand. This means you’ll need to manage your emotional reaction so the rational part of your brain can remain in control and you can absorb new information. Let the person giving you the feedback make all their points without trying to give reasons or answers.  

Then you need to get curious. Ask questions to explore and request specific examples tied to the feedback. “Tell me more about…” or “can you share more detail about” is a really good way to dig into the information you’re being given and discuss it constructively If appropriate, you can ask for any suggestions that would help you improve your skills or handle something differently. 

When you’ve got all the information you think you’ll need, thank them for giving you the feedback and say you’ll give it some thought. This is your opportunity to take a step back and reflect, before deciding what to do with the feedback.  

If you don’t feel like you can be genuinely curious in that moment, thank the person for the feedback and say you’d like to get back to them to ask for more information. Then you can be prepared to explore the feedback at a time when you’re ready and calm.  

How to qualify that feedback is worth acting on 

Feedback is often described as being like a gift – you don’t have to accept it. But you do need to make sure you’re properly reflecting on it before you make that decision.  

Asking others for their insight into the specific feedback you’ve been given is a really good way of qualifying whether you’ve been given a genuine opportunity to improve, or just someone’s opinion on you. Choose people whose opinions you trust and who you know will be honest with you. This is not the time to be told you are perfect! 

You don’t need to make any changes if you don’t want to. What you pay attention to when it comes to your development is entirely your choice so it’s up to you what you do as a result.  

Learning to handle receiving feedback 

As with most things, especially those involving emotions, you’ll need to build up some resilience to receiving and reflecting on feedback, it’s a skill that needs practice like any other. To improve your ability to receive feedback one thing you can do is seek it.  

There are lots of good opportunities to seek feedback so you can both practise receiving it, and benefit from the insight you get. These include: 

• When a project comes to an end 

• If you’re doing something for the first time 

• If you know something didn’t go brilliantly or was particularly challenging 

• When something went really well 

• You have a new line manager – that fresh pair of eyes can spot things your old one may not have 

• When you have new team members to find out how effective your leadership approach is 

• As you are preparing for your annual review – giving you evidence to present 

Don’t miss the chance to ask for feedback if you find yourself with the opportunity. The more you get it, the better you will get at handling what you hear.  

Leadership expert, Ken Blanchard, talks about feedback as being “the breakfast of champions”, a saying he attributes to a colleague, Rick Tate. Feedback is the way that all athletes, but especially the elite ones, improve. They think about it as an active and ongoing process, always looking for places to improve.  

And feedback doesn’t have to be about the big stuff. Cycling coach, Dave Brailsford, used the theory of marginal gains – improving many things by a tiny amount – to take British Cycling to the top of both the Tour de France and the Olympics in 2012. You can bet that Team Sky got used to hearing feedback about everything, all the time!  

Becoming a pro at receiving feedback will help you many times in your career and in particular prepare you for rejection or feedback in an promotion or job application processes too. 

If you need to work on not messing up when you’re being given feedback, you might want to find out more about my 1-2-1 personal coaching, or get in touch for a no-obligation chat.